The only cages that cannot be opened

                                                                                                   are those that we build

                                                  1

I know what it means to be transparent. I experience it on a daily basis. People see you but they don’t look at you. You are the loneliness whose existence they want to ignore. They go on vacation in the right period. They choose the right partners. They make the right number of children. They are so well socially integrated that if you opened the door of one of their houses. Now. SLAM. The door is opened. They are ALL doing the same thing: staring at you. They need that YOU are in the margins because THEY make the right choices. They are entitled to be the pages.

                                                                          *****

I catch the bus and the scream inside me is so loud that it could destroy every glass of all the buildings that I have learned by heart in these years, going from my place to work. These buildings are populated by the people who made the right choices. These people have just been pulverized by my scream. What-a-change-in- their-routine! But they want no change. So, I haven’t their permission to live. There are many of them and when they are together they can really make the difference. They don’t talk with you. They say the minimum. Safe sentences. If they refused to speak with you they would automatically become those who are different. THEY would  become the subject of judgement. But they are not the guilty ones. They are the jurors. Thus, they do talk with you, they do pronounce their verdict in a very polite way. They ask you how was your weekend and how was your Christmas but they don’t want to know YOUR reality. They want to be reassured about THEIR lies.

                                                                     ******

‘Hi John’

‘Hi Sara. How was your weekend?’

‘Ok. Thanks. And yours?’

‘Ok too!’

                                                                   ******

I have worked here for three years and John, my boss, has always asked me the same question on Monday morning. I have always replied in the same way. He has always answered me in the same way. But working is better than staying at home. Memories have blades.

                                                                  ******

Time to go home. I am late. The birthdays of the kids of my colleagues have been described with so much accuracy that I am lost in them. It is raining very badly. I cannot lose my bus. I am exhausted. I want to go home. I want to sleep.

                                                                ******

When I bought this shop with my wife it was our hope. We grew up our son thanks to it. I remember when Claire was pregnant. We were trying to guess what could be the lives of our customers. We joked about them. We laughed for nothing. She was, we were, perfect. Young-in love-sure about everything. Someone has forgotten a wallet. Sara. How could she forget it? It is pouring.

                                                                    ******

It is late. Why am I here? For a wallet. If I had babysat every person who has worked for me in these years, I would have done nothing else. I ring the bell. I ring the bell another time then I leave. What….what is this noise? It seems that something has fallen. What….I cannot see inside….what…..what is happening?

                                                                   ******

This damned bell. I have to enter the place. She is just a kid. She is twenty one years old. Much younger than my son. She could be in danger. The doors in these houses are useless. Someone in his sixties can open them easily with a couple of kicks. OH MY GOD! Oh God Sara! What has happened to her? What can I do?

                                                                   ******

She is sitting in her urine. She is shivering. The expression of her face….she is absolutely terrified. I call her name but she doesn’t respond. I don’t know what to do. Is she sick? Should I call an ambulance? Should I call the police? Should I touch her?

 ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’

I have never heard such a scream in my entire life. She is terrified. I must do something. She is frozen. Terribly pale. I wrap her in my coat and I call her name. I say her name again and again and again until she looks at me.

                                                             *******

‘Sara. Sara, what is it? How are you?’

 She realizes that I am here. Her boss. In her place. Holding her in his arms.

‘Leave me! How could you enter my place? Why are you here? What has happened?’

‘Please, calm down. You forgot the wallet. I thought to give it back to you tomorrow morning but

then I thought that you may look for it….’

‘You could phone me’

‘Yes, I know but it is the anniversary of my wife’s death. It is not a good night to spend at home alone’

‘So did you come here in search for company?’

‘NO! No. I thought I needed to drive. Driving calms me down’

‘I am wet. The floor is wet’

‘I don’t know what you were remembering but it scared you a lot’

‘Remembering? What should I remember? It was just a nightmare!’

‘I buried a wife and I have never had that kind of nightmare. You need a doctor!’

‘No, no doctors!’

She is terribly pale.

‘I don’t feel very well’

She has just fainted in my arms. I have hardly spoken with her in three years and now she could be seriously ill and she is in my arms. Next time I need to drive I eat the keys of my car. Just to avoid the temptation.

                                                                         ******

‘What time is it? What are you doing here? I am late for work’

‘Sara, you forgot the wallet, I told you that I didn’t want to wait tomorrow morning to give it back to you because I needed to drive, I needed to do something on the day of the anniversary of my wife’s death’

‘ I….have you changed my clothes?’

‘Yes, they were wet. Do you remember? I heard a noise. I entered your place. You were terrified and you were….wet. It was your urine. I had to change you. You fainted. I couldn’t leave you alone. You didn’t want that I called a doctor, so I put you to bed and I waited’

‘You hardly talk with me for years then one night you enter my place, you undress me and sleep in a chair next to my bed? I have no need of a doctor. I need the police!’ My head is pulsing. The pain is terrible.

‘Sara. You are still weak. Get some more sleep. And then we will talk again. I made some tea. Do you want to drink?’ I don’t want to talk with him but I have no strength to argue. The tea is good and if he wanted to assault me, he already had plenty of time….

‘We are late for work’

‘There is no work. The renovation of the shop starts today. Do you remember?’

‘Yes, of course I do’ I am exhausted. I cannot keep my eyes opened.

                                               2

I hear…noise…from the…kitchen….is someone cooking?

‘What are you doing?’

‘I have prepared a soup. I have thought that you would have liked it since you felt….you felt…unwell’

‘You are my boss. I have worked for you for three years and we have barely spoken. Now you are in my kitchen, making food for me…I should call the police!’

‘Sara’

‘Don’t call me Sara’

‘Don’t call me AT ALL’

‘I know what it means when you feel bad and you are alone. Noone can take care of you. I just wanted to help you. I am sorry. I realize that this entire situation is…’

‘…weird’

‘I would have said uncommon but…’

‘….but you should leave me alone’

‘It is a beautiful day. The shop is closed. I think that it would be good for you to have a walk, enjoy the sunshine…’

‘Listen, you are out of your mind. Call an escort if you need company’

‘I simply thought that we are two people who have bad…things…to remember and we could… we could enjoy some company. I thought that a chat in a sunny day would have been better than…the shadows in our minds’

There was something in the expression of his face, when I told him that he had to call an escort, something that has made me realize that I have deeply offended him, that he was very far from a similar thought. There was something that has made me realize that his words could be true. It could be that he knows what pain is and he wants to share it. He is almost a stranger to me. But I have been alone for a long, long time. I think that a walk in broad daylight cannot hurt me.

                                                                    *******

She is silent. I don’t want to inundate her with words. I want to give her the chance to enjoy the quietness of nature. I don’t want to break the sound of our steps on the wet leaves.

‘Thank you’

‘For what?’

‘I needed this. Air. Silence. Quietness. Sorry for the way in which I treated you. My words were….’

‘…sensical’

‘Inappropriate’

She is looking at me, instead of seeing me… the last time someone has looked at me in that tender way… it was Claire… she already knew that our time together was ending, and she was sorry because she had to leave me alone; she asked me to honour our love living. She asked me to live, she didn’t want that I limited myself to exist just because she could not live anymore.

‘Sara, there is a movie tomorrow evening. Maybe we could watch it….together’

‘Yes, sure.’

What-have-I –said? I-am-crazy. But there is something in him, I don’t know… it seems that for him the respect of the others is…natural…yes, it seems to me that there is a natural kindness in him.

                                                                      3

I have taken a shower, shaved, and now… I am trying on all the clothes that I own! Would be better a tie? Too formal? Does this pair of trousers match with this jacket? Am I totally stupid? For this question I have an easy answer but…it feels good. It feels good to be so worried about how I look to someone else. I thought that the occasions to know someone were finished for me. That noone would have known who I really am, what makes me laugh, what moves me deeply, what were the toys that I liked when I was a kid, what kind of music I prefer. I thought that there was no more chance that somebody could know those little things which are so familiar when you live with someone….STOP John, stop, you are thinking too much. Just enjoy what you feel now, enjoy the evening, the movie, and if she doesn’t want to see you anymore, well you had an occasion to see yourself well groomed!

He is going to be here shortly. I am a disaster! I usually pull my hair into a ponytail, I do my ponytail in a second, right before I leave for work. Now my hair is lying on my shoulders. My hair looks so bad! And this dress? Should I wear a dress? Since I have lived here I have worn trousers…I am…flubby! With a dress this is terribly evident! I should change myself…OH NO! He is here!

‘You are beautiful’ What a beautiful woman she is! I have never noticed her hair before, she has got big curls that frame her face perfectly, long lashes, and her body, this dress is great! No, every dress would look great on her, she has got such a body! Her breasts are neither tiny nor too big, her waist is small but not too skinny, and her…ok! John don’t stare at her, if you were in your twenties, she could be happy if your eyes indulged in her body. At your age, it is more probable that she thinks that you are a maniac. In any case, she should wear dresses more often, far more often!

‘This dress is beautiful!’

‘Thanks! And thanks for the flowers!’ He just wants to be kind, I know, I am terrible with this dress! I am out of shape. It is so evident with a dress! But what a nice thought that he had. I love flowers. And these are beautiful, the colours are so bright, they bring life into the room.

‘These flowers have beautiful colours. Thanks’

‘Not at all. I think it is…time to go’ Oh John! Are these the best words that come to your mind! Please…

‘Sure’ He doesn’t like to be with me! Of course, I look awful and my conversation? It doesn’t exist. I am ridiculous!

                                                                   *******

She pays attention to the movie and I can look at her…look at her John, would you have ever imagined that such a beauty would have gone out with you? I would like to caress her hair, her neck, I would like to see her eyes close to mine

 It is better that I focus on the movie, at least, I can try to say something sensical, since the choice of this dress has been SO bad. Obviously, he thinks that I am ridiculous! He is putting his arm around my shoulder…how is this possible? Does he like me? He is smiling! YES! So, I do look like a woman! I like the way in which I feel next to him. I am not worried or nervous, I am at my ease, even if I don’t know him well.

She puts her head on my shoulder. GREAT! The perfume of her hair, Oh, heaven on earth! BUT John don’t touch her hair. It is too soon and if she thinks that you are a maniac, you will never have the chance to kiss her!

                                                                      *******

What a beautiful night! It is finishing too soon! I am already accompanying her at home! But her words, her ideas, and the way in which she laughs, spontaneous, open to the world. I like her. I like her a lot!

 I am talking too much! I do know it! I should smile, instead I am laughing. I have laughed too much! This makes me look a superficial idiot! I know that he thinks that I am stupid! A terrible company! Luckily we have reached my place. This evening is going to end soon. But….is he kissing me? Oh, so I have not been so bad. I like his kiss. I like it A LOT! Oh no, just one kiss! You kiss so well John.

 Ok, this has been TOO much. She is going to slap me! I am sure. No, she is not slapping me! I thank her for the evening, I tell her that I want to see her again soon, and she replies that it-would-be-great. YES! She has just closed the door, I knock on her door, she opens it, and I kiss her again, then I leave her.

 What a night! I like him! I like him! I am going to see him soon! I am so looking forward to it!

                                                                       *******

‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’

 Again these nightmares. I am not right for him. I am not right for anyone. I will call him. No, I will text him, it will be easier: ‘we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I am sorry. Sara.’

                                                    4

‘SARA’

‘SARA, PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR’

‘SARA, I WANT TO TALK WITH YOU’

‘PLEASE, EXPLAIN ME’

‘PLEASE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED? EVERYTHING WAS….FELT…PERFECT. WHY? WHY  DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK WITH ME ANYMORE?’

‘SARA’

‘Sara, how are you? I am sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘I’m not scared’

‘You’re crying’

‘I’m not scared because of you. I’m scared because I have, I want, to talk with you about something, something….’

‘Hey, listen, I’m here, whatever it is, we can get through this together.’

‘No, we cannot. This is not about you. This is about me.’

‘Sara. I think that we should sit down.’ She is so pale. Like that first night. When I drove to give her back her wallet.

 ‘Sara.’ There is something in her eyes. Something desperate. Something deep. She is very far from me in this moment.

 ‘Sara. Where are you?’ My voice has brought her back.

 ‘Where were you?’

‘I had a boyfriend in high school. He was good looking, funny, sweet. He was very kind with me. But with his friends…with his friends …he… changed. With his friends he behaved differently, to be like them. To be part of something. The night of our high school graduation he got drunk. With his friends.’

There is a look on her face. I already saw that terror. It was on my wife’s face. When we discovered that she had cancer. And there was no cure. Just few months to spend together. I would like to take that burden away but I know that for Sara, as it was for Claire, this is not possible. This kind of pain cannot be relieved, it can be shared, knowing that this doesn’t decrease its intensity. Sharing the fear is the only possible help that I can give.

 ‘Sara. I know that the pain that you feel cannot be extinguished. Never. But I can be with you. If you want. If you want, I can share your fear. My wife died of cancer. I know how terror looks like. I will not turn away. I can stare terror into its eyes. Please Sara trust me. I can do this for you. I love you Sara.’

‘You…hardly…know me.’

‘I know my feelings and I know that you share my same emotions. I know that this is my last chance to love. And I will not waste this gift that life has given me. Sara I love you. If you want a list of reasons, I can give you a list of reasons. But you know, as I know, that things can change so unexpectedly, so fast, our..selves…are torn so rapidly by the events that it is crazy not to grasp an occasion of happiness. A real, sincere, occasion of happiness deserves courage. I can bear the weight of your burden Sara. You can trust me.’

‘He was drunk. His friends were drunk. He… they….’

‘I am here’

‘He kissed me but it was not like the other times. He was…there was nothing in him, the way in which he looked at me… his eyes were empty, there was no expression in them, they were just black points, no trace of feelings in them. Nothing. I was uncomfortable. I told him to stop. I told him to stop many times. But he didn’t. So I slapped him. His friends saw this. And he realized that they saw that he was slapped by a girl. He had to demonstrate to be…one of them. So he….I don’t want…I don’t want that you see me….you see me… in that state’

‘I don’t see you in a state. I see them. I see their choices’

‘They chose me because I was not good for anything better’

‘Sara. NO! NO! This is what they want that you believe. But there is NO excuse for what they did. NO justification. Sara, don’t look at yourself through their eyes’

‘Noone had never seen my body naked and, suddenly, I had no clothes on. I screamed. I kicked them. I tried. I tried. I really tried’

‘It is not your fault. Don’t look at yourself through their eyes’

‘Their hands…they grasped my body…as if I were not a living thing and…I…cried desperately, I implored. I could barely breathe because I was sobbing so hard that I could not….I felt that I was suffocating, my tears, my terror were killing me, and he was there, with them. He was there when they invaded my body. I have discovered in that way what it means to be a woman. I will never forget their eyes, all of them had empty eyes, and the ground was wet and cold… I felt that I was freezing to the bones. But noone stopped. Noone. You must leave me. I am not good for you. I am not good for a man. This is why they chose me. Because I was not worth of something better’ I have pronounced these words as if they had been recorded, I have told John what happened that night without looking at him directly. Now, I realize that tears are flooding his face.

 ‘Are you crying….for me?’

‘Yes. I love you Sara. The idea of…’

‘…of me in that state’

‘of you in that situation, your desperation… come here, come here in my arms’ I wanted to find the right words to tell him how much his tears had impressed me, how deeply he had touched me but I was only able to tell him ‘I love you John, I love you so much’

‘I love you too’ I feel Sara in my arms, we are crying together. I cannot find any word, neither appropriate, nor inappropriate. No word. I am only capable of hugging her, I caress her lightly, trying to comfort her but I do know that there is a kind of pain that never leaves you.

 ‘Sara, I know, I know that this kind of pain stays with you for the rest of your life but we can add something good to it. You are so young. You must have good memories. Happy moments to remember when others….when…the bad part of the past tries to come back, and it seems capable to consume your present’

‘I don’t know John. I don’t know if love is enough’

‘I, noone, will never be able to delete what has happened to you. But not every man hates women.’

‘I know. You look at me in a way… so different from their way. The way in which you look at me is changing me. I am beginning to think that maybe I am worthy of being…considered….appreciated…desired…as another woman can be. As normal women are.’

‘Sara. You are normal. It is what has happened to you that it is tragic. But it is only a part of your life. It must not be the rest of your life.’

‘John’

‘Yes’

‘Can you stay with me this night? I don’t want to stay alone’

‘Sure’ He has brought a blanket to the chair where he slept the first night that we met. John, if I am able to live happy moments again, I am sure that they will be with you.

                                                               ******

                                                                      5

The shop renovated looks cheerful. And I feel the same. Sara is with me, we smile at each other, sipping the hour in which the rest of the staff has not yet arrived. Everything looks bright, ready to show its best. When my son, who has not been in this shop for years, knocks at the closed door, I already know that what is going to happen will be the end of how we were before.

 ‘Oh good! So, what I have heard is true! You have buried mum to…know…her daughter! I had no idea to have a sister!

‘Hey! Don’t insult her! You could talk with me, instead of listening to gossip. You could ask me an explanation, instead of behaving like an animal!’

‘An animal? Am I the animal here? What do you want from him? Money? His house? His shop? Forget them. My lawyer’

‘Your lawyer…are you out of your mind? Who are you? Who have I grown up? Why haven’t you talked with me before talking with a stranger?’

‘You are the stranger. You have been with mum for all your life and now….how can you….offend her memory in this way!’

‘Stop talking about her! You have no right! You have learned nothing about love from her! That woman knew no prejudice and you judge your father and a stranger without talking with them!’

‘Have you got a relationship with this….woman?’

‘Yes, I do love her. And she loves me’

‘Don’t mention love! Mum loved you, that was love, this is…is…I cannot say what it is’

‘Say it!’

‘A pathetic attempt to escape death, but mum’s pain cannot be forgotten between the legs of your daughter!’

SLAP! I have never beaten my son but this is not my son, I don’t know this stranger…

‘NO! NO! John, please I don’t want that you fight with your son for me. I am not the right person for you’

‘I am the one who decides what is right or wrong for me! I am sorry if you haven’t learned what love is. You have lived with me and your mother. And we have loved each other. Very much. Every day. When she died I felt that life had also abandoned me. But her illness has taught me that life is a privilege that cannot be wasted. And if life has given me a new chance to love, I will not waste it’

‘Do you think that a woman in her twenties can love someone of your age?’

‘I think that she is a rare person. And you are a very sad man. I am sorry for you. You should leave now’

‘You will hear from my lawyer!’

‘LEAVE! NOW!’

‘John, I don’t want this. I don’t want that you lose your son for me’

‘This is his choice. Our relationship could be, for him, a way to know better his father; he could be happy to know that his father was not alone. He could be happy to experience the fact that in life, after terrible losses, there are unexpected occasions of joy. There were many ways in which he could live our relationship. He chose to see it as a dirty thing. I have no idea how he ended up being such a sordid person. In any case, I am very happy that he is an only child!’

These last words made us smile. John hugged me tenderly, and I felt grateful to life.

                                                                          6

That instant before I kiss her, when we look into each other’s eyes and we know, we know that our lips are going to touch, that instant is one of the wonders of life. The first time I kissed Claire, she was such a beauty… and her smile, after we kissed. That smile! Those lips! Yes, life IS beautiful! That same colourful joy, those summer fireworks are here, now, in my eyes when I look at Sara, they are in Sara’s eyes but….there is something…something else…I saw that…that dark depth before…when Sara was telling me what had happened to her.

 ‘Sara, where are you?’

‘John. I….desire you. Very much. But I see them. Even if I don’t want to. Even if love you. And I trust you. I see them. John why? Why? I want to be with you. I really want but….’

‘Shhhhh Sara. Shhhhh it is all right. I know that you love me and there is nothing that you will-or you will NOT-do that will change what I already know. Do you think that I need to be inside your body to feel me loved? No Sara, no. I feel me so loved right now. With this beautiful young woman in my arms, who worries so much about my happiness’

‘Oh John. This is not true. And you know it. I am not right for you. I am not right for anyone’

‘Sara, don’t say that. I am a very lucky man and every other man would like to be here, right now, to have the chance to feel what I feel and….see what I see’ She is so young. She should always smile, her face should never have that tension. She should not know how far you can go when your ground collapses.

 ‘John. Will you help me?’

‘Of course. Of course’

‘Don’t leave me alone. Before. During. And after’

‘I will not leave you alone. I will be with you. But you have to promise to do the same’

‘Are you teasing me?’

‘NO! How can you think that I would tease you in a moment like this’

‘You have nothing to be worried about. Why should you ask me not to leave YOU alone?’

‘Because I know. I know what you lived. And I would like that everything was perfect but I also know that no matter how much attention I pay, there are moments, moments in your mind, in your memories, in your instinct, moments that are only your moments. If you don’t choose to share them with me, I will miss something. I want to miss nothing. Because this is the first time in which you make love Sara, and I want to miss nothing of you. But I need your help. I need your choice to be with me exactly as I will be with you; I will be with you, completely with you, with no hidden fear. Before. During. And after. Will you do the same for me Sara?’

‘Yes, yes John. I will tell you everything. But keep me with you. Keep me with you. Don’t let me go there. With them’

‘You are with me Sara. I will not let you go anywhere’

His kiss comes at the right time. My desire has no more fears, no fears, but the emotions are so many, so intense, they all come together at the same time….it is too much…

‘Sara, I am sorry. I am sorry. It was too much. Are you all right?’ How could I be such an idiot! My hands….I should cut them!

‘Yes, John, of course. I just need to slow down. I am in a state….in e-v-e-r-y state and all these sensations, all these emotions together…’

‘I am sorry Sara. Very much.’ I caress her cheeks but they are cold….

 ‘Sara, are you all right? Sara? You are very far from me now. Sara, what has happened?’

‘My boyfriend…he caressed my cheeks in that way’

‘Sara. This is not the right time. We must stop. It doesn’t matter. It will happen another time’

‘NO! No John. They have already taken so much of my life. I want to be with you. I love you’

‘I love you too’

It is not only his voice that tells me what he feels, there are also his eyes, their tenderness, the attention that he pays to every movement, the pace of all his gestures.

She has suffered so much, too much. I must pay all the attention that I am able to. Her beautiful skin…and her breasts… She is beautiful. In every way a woman can be. I am so happy but…

 ‘Sara, Sara, my love, please stay with me. Where are you? Sara, Sara, have I hurted you? Are you all right Sara?’

‘Yes, yes. It is just that for a moment…’

‘You were there’

‘Yes’

‘Do you want me to stop? We can stop whenever we want’

‘NO, I don’t want to stop but for you…I am sure that this is your worst time!’

‘Sara, don’t look at yourself through their eyes. You are a beautiful woman and I am a very, very lucky man’

‘I love you John’

‘I love you too’ Having her in my arms is such an emotion. The first time I made love I was with Claire. The emotion of feeling her was overwhelming. And now, I do feel the same emotion. How is this possible? There is something in Sara, in her will to trust me, in her decision to share her fears with me, that makes me feel totally loved and accepted. Exactly as I felt with Claire, during our first time together.

 ‘I love you Sara’

‘I love you John’ but her eyes have changed. There is something…something in them…She is not worried. She is terrified. This is not the right time for us.

‘Sara, we should stop’

‘No’

‘Sara. No. This is not the right time. We must stop’

‘John, please, please don’t stop’

‘Sara, I cannot. If it is not the right time for you, it is not the right time for me’

‘John, have they taken away so much from me?’

‘Oh Sara, are you sure? Are you sure that you don’t want me to stop?’

‘Yes’

‘I love you’ I must pay attention to every single movement of every single muscle of my body. I must pay attention to every single movement of my desire. She must feel my love for her. This is the moment for the emotions which make a difference in a life. In a young life and in a life that seemed destined just to routine.

 She is in my arms now but she is so silent…what have I done? Has my desire blinded me? Have I…oh no, she has already suffered so much…I cannot be the one who has wounded her again. This thought is unbearable.

 ‘Sara, you are so silent. Are you all right, my love? Have I done something wrong? Have I…have I… hurted you?’ I cannot even think to have done something like that, even if I didn’t want to…

‘No John, no, you have not hurted me…’ Her eyes are full of tears, there is so much love in her eyes…

 ‘Why don’t you talk with me? You seem so…sad’

‘John, it is not because of you. It is exactly the contrary. It is because I have felt with you that I can be like every other woman and I have realized how much they have taken away from me. Why have they chosen me John? Why did that happen to me?’

She is sobbing. But now I know that this momentary desperation is a good thing.

 ‘Cry Sara, let everything go…let it go…I am here…cry….I am here. I am here with you. Let it go. I am here. You are my love. I love you Sara. I love you.’

                                                                           7

It is late. Why am I here? For a wallet. If I had babysat every person who has worked for me in these years, I would have done nothing else. I ring the bell. I ring the bell another time then I leave. What….what is this noise? It seems that something has fallen. What….I cannot see inside….what…..what is happening?

                                                                   ******

This damned bell. I have to enter the place. She is just a kid. She is twenty one years old. Much younger than my son. She could be in danger. But…no…surely it’s nothing, probably she is with her boyfriend. This is none of my business. It is late. Too late for me.