Everything was wrong, and everything must change, thought Kim. She believed that there must be a plan in life, and it would take to what you need or want. Everything came easy, so it must be the right thing, she used to think. Now, she realised she needed to make her life something completely different.

They didn’t sleep last night. The party grew every hour. The noise and the crowd were soon out of control. Everything that Ryan organized, or should Kim say started, gets out control. He just said, let’s go and it goes, or it started, but no one knew where it would go.

That was what she was like too. Just a few years ago Kim could start parties like that and forget about them, she didn’t need to see an end, just starting and doing them was all that really mattered. It wasn’t that simple anymore for her. There must be more, it must lead somewhere.

There’s got to be a meaning in it, that’s what she meant. Just worrying about now is not good enough.

It’s the arguing that started the party. It’s the arguing that had forced her to realise there were problems. They talked about living together for a long time. Six months ago, they finally did. Kim graduated with her Bachelor of Arts, and Ryan still had another course to take. Kim was lucky, or she could say she had good connections. The job at the city’s television station she got right after the convocation allowed her to support Ryan while he finished his degree.

Another argument started in the afternoon.

“I don’t want to go to grad school Kim,” he said.

“You’ve been planning to go for now long? You could be a teaching assistant and maybe a first-year lecturer. You would be making some money too.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” he asked irritated.

“Why do you want to commit yourself to an Education degree that is going to take another year? You’re going to make no money in that college,” she said.

“There are a lot of opportunities for French immersion teachers,” said Ryan.

“By the time you get that much french it will be five years. I must commit myself to supporting you for that long?”

“Is that it?”

“I thought you had learned something these last five years you’ve been in school,” she said.

“What?”

“You know what that means. Look, even to do that degree you’re working on it is making things tough,” she said.

“Oh, sure,” said Ryan.

“And what about us?” she asked.

“Not this again. We don’t need to get married. You’ll say, just get the engagement ring, right?”

“Yes.,” she said.

“I don’t even think I believe in that. Why are you talking about that so much lately? You always said it didn’t make much difference if we were married or not,” said Ryan.

“I’m the only one around here who has to pay for rent, and food.”

“You want money?” he asked.

“You know what I’m getting at.” Ryan leaves the room. He shuffles to the far side of living room. Kim heard him taking a CD out.

“You can’t run away Ryan.”

The rattling sound of Bob Dylan comes out of the living room. He thinks playing old rock makes him more sophisticated. Kim just found it irritating.

“What did you say?” asked Ryan loudly. He’s made his statement: I am not talking or listening anymore. Maybe he can’t. He still walked with a bit of twist at the hips. Kim hated his arrogance and immaturity. She loved it when they first met on the university newspaper The Carillon.

“Hi, Ken, yeah. That’s right, we’re having some friends over. End of summer you know. Yeah, a party,” called Ryan into the telephone receiver.

Kim felt relieved—she got the dishes done and the place is clean. She needed something to keep my mind off their ongoing fight.

“Kimmy,” says Ryan as he walks into the kitchen. Kim hated it when Ryan called her that. “I asked some friends over, okay?”

She felt sick for a moment. The pattern never took a pause. No, it used to, but now there was a party nearly every night. Ryan was acting like he was in his first year at university.

“Ryan, I thought we could do something else. I really wanted to do something else.” He glanced only for a moment, and then went back into the next room.

“Yeah, tonight.”

Kim needed to get out for a moment. She picked up the garbage and went out the back door.

It felt as though they owned the place. They were a working couple.

At first, the feeling of enjoying the permanence was strange. Now she was happy to feel established. Kim had scoffed at that before.

When Kim returned to the kitchen Ryan is still inviting more people to this party he’s planning.

“Hey where are you going?” calls Ryan from the living room.

“We need beer and whisky. What else should I get?”

“Party food and get another bottle of gin.”

People are already arriving as Kim parked her van in the back.

“Ryan, why are they here already?”

“Why not? We can stay outside for a while. It’s summer.”

“I’m hungry. I thought we could have something to eat first.”

“It’s not a big deal Kim.”

“Ryan, where’s the beer, there’s only one left in here,” says Tom as he opens the last beer.

“Kim brought in a box and there’s some more in the van, right Kim?”

“Right…” she replied.

“Go get the others and put them in the fridge, okay Tom?” asked Ryan.

“Sure.”

“I’m making some sandwiches for us, and that means us. Promise to eat some, you know how sick you get drinking on an empty stomach,” said Kim.

“Promise,” replied Ryan.

“Good.”

“Love you, Kim. I knew you would see it my way,” he said.

“Love you too Ryan, but you’re full of it on the second count. We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

“Over a headache?” replied Ryan.

“May as well be in the mood for it,” replied Kim.

The crowd filled the living room; the kitchen was doubling for a bar, and a few were spread out onto the back lawn. The sun was setting. Green haze was falling across the back yard.

“Kim my girl, how long has it been?” she heard.

Kim stared at the heavyset man walking across the lawn toward her. She could only make out his outline. His voice was familiar. It was the loud voice of the man who entered the house earlier. His voice is different from the rest of Ryan’s college friends. They all sound quiet, timid. You don’t have to hear the words to know they are being intellectual. His voice must have irritated them in the house because it is low and clear.

“Kim?”

“Willy Thompson?” she said.

“Yeah, Kim, it’s been a long time. You’re as tall and beautiful as ever.”

“Thanks,” she said. Willy was her mentor at the university radio station. “Still in the band?” she said, Kim sang with his jazz band, Our Dimension.

“Yeah. I bet you’ve still got it. The only girl on the entire expanse of prairies that could scat for us.”

“That was a while, Will” she replied.

“Sure was. You were in your first year. You out now?” he asked.

“Yeah. Got my BA,” she replied.

“I don’t know why you left the Bachelor of Music program. Music was in your soul,” he said.

“Not enough jazz,” she replied.

“What’s that degree you ended up with?”

“Honours in English,” said Kim.

“Poor Kim,” said Will. He used to call her ‘my girl’ and she liked it.

“Yeah, the essays were easier than vocals. I mean the way they were marked. The way the Profs stared and marked you on your vocals and felt very uncomfortable after the first year.”

“You know, that got to us all,” said Will.

“You mean it shouldn’t have got to me?” asked Kim.

“That’s why I left too. It was all the rules,” he replied.

“Rules like, don’t do jazz. We never did jazz around the college, all classical. But if they hear any of their students performing jazz and they are out,” said Kim.

“I was in trouble when you left. We all were. I don’t think anyone figured out why it is like that,” said Will.

“You’ve been out a year then?” said Kim. “No. That first year was gone—couldn’t transfer much to the English degree. Now it’s been five years, and I have the degree and a job.”

“Job?” inquired Will.

“Local TV,” said Kim.

“That’s great.”

“No, not really. I’m a small-time production assistant job. Really, just a gopher,” said Kim.

“I had sworn that you would have it all,” replied Will.

“Oh?”

“You’re beautiful. You sing and you could act,” said Will.

“Yeah, well that was then,” replied Kim.

“Kim, I still see it. I can sense it,” said Will.

“Thanks. “

“You can come to Club 59 and I’ll put you on,” said Will.

“Will, I haven’t stepped up to a microphone since my closing performance for that first year of university,” said Kim.

“And you were good,” replied Will.

“I sang to you. Like you’d say, I sang from deep down,” said Kim.

“I remember…” replied Will.

“You’re at the Club 59?”

“Yeah, still touring the Clubs. Did two CDs. They’re Indy productions, but they sell and it’s easier to earn money,” replied Will.

“I’ve got them; Twin Cities Jazz and City Wine,” said Kim.

“You haven’t lost touch.”

“I couldn’t. I kept playing them, singing along, and thinking about that. I want to be creative again,” said Kim.

“We’ll be at the club tomorrow evening; can you be there?”

“I don’t know…” said Kim looking around and hearing the loud crowd.

“Bring the man along,” said Will.

“Sure.”

Kim ached as she opened her eyes. She stared at the bright room. The east windows made the room like this. Kim ached because the light is soft. It was losing the intensity of the summer. Soon the leaves would fall, and the cool breeze would give way to the cold and snow. Saturdays always made her feel sad. Kim never knew why Saturdays had meant sadness to her. She tried to be sentimental about it and say it was because it was the day after the best love of the week. The party was over. The housework had to be done. Kim even tried to be intellectual about it. It was sexual. It was medical. Her chemistry was off from the rush of the week and poor nutrition. That was trash. Saturdays were simply sad for her.

Ryan was lying beside her now. Kim didn’t wake him up right away. He couldn’t make it to bed last night. He used to be able to party, make love and party some more.

There’s was something else about the ache. Kim felt that something had awakened that morning. She wasn’t not sure what it was. She knew that Will arriving last night had something to do with it. He reminded her of what she had. It wasn’t much in itself, but it was important. Kim had been feeling good and full of energy this summer.

Kim toured with Will’s band right before she entered university. She was happy. Life was all around her. That summer was a vivid memory of sounds, bright colours, and delicious food. Everything was coloured in bright pastels.

Ryan moans and moved. He blinked his eyes at the ceiling.

“Man,” he whispered as he put his hands to his forehead. “Oh, I knew it would be like this,” he said.

“You barely touched the sandwiches I made,” said Kim.

“Don’t mention food,” replied Ryan.

“You’re going to have to get yourself together. I’ll make some coffee and breakfast.”

“Please,” replied Ryan.

“I said we’re going to talk this morning,” She swept her legs over the edge of the bed. Kim pulled her housecoat off the hanger. Standing up, she wrapped it around herself.

“I’m not talking. I’m not getting up,” said Ryan.

“You will Ryan. It won’t take long, and you’ll be in the bathroom, sick. We both know you can’t lay down,” replied Kim.

“Oh.”

“The second time you won’t make it to the washroom, as usual. And you know Ryan, I don’t clean that up,” she replied.

“Shit.”

“See you in the kitchen.” Kim felt a little dizzy as she walked out of the bedroom. She must have had more rye than she thought. Willy was gone, and Kim stood leaning on the fence staring at the garden. She was remembering the summer they toured. Kim tour ended when Will kissed her and said, “Kim, it’s over.” They both had to go back to their university classes. Will had transferred to drama and was finishing his BA.

“This place is a mess,” said Ryan.

“What’s new Ryan? If it’s cleaned, it will be by both of us.”

“Shit.”

“You’re not running away this time Ryan. Unless you want to set up another afternoon party.”

“Sounds good.”

“Ryan, you can’t be a student forever. Face it, you’re finished the degree. You can get a good job with the English department and continue your education in grad school.”

“I’ll continue my education in the College of Education,” replied Ryan.

“Pretend you’re a kid starting out again?” Kim replied.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You’re running away from your future. Get something permanent in your life. Pay off your student loan,” said Kim.

“No.”

“You’re going to get another loan and watch the amount you owe grow?”

“Yeah.”

“And I can conveniently pick up the short falls. Everyone knows you can’t live off the peanuts they give you,” said Kim.

“I’ll have the money. Well, maybe later,” said Ryan.

“Ryan, grow up!”

“Is it the money?”

“It’s about stability,” said Kim.

“Who cares?” replied Ryan.

“I do. You’re not a kid and you’re acting like one.”

“What?”

“What did you call yourself yesterday? Let’s have a party and laugh for a while, maybe make love and all will be good tomorrow. That doesn’t work Ryan,” said Kim.

“Oh, no.”

“You’re closer to thirty than twenty…”

“Okay, I’m old,” said Ryan.

“Ryan there’s no future in Education degrees. There are so many unemployed teachers.”

“I want to teach,” replied Ryan.

“Then go into grad school. You’ll be teaching first year English in a few weeks.”

“It’s not the same.”

“First year students are pimple faced high school students. It’s the same,” replied Kim.

“I told you; I’m not going to grad school.”

“I’m not going to spend all my time making money for your comfort, cleaning after you and cooking for you,” replied Kim.

“You won’t have to.”

“I don’t have to if I want to live in a mess and eat only peanut butter and slop,” said Kim.

“I do my share of cleaning.”

“I’d like to see you clean this mess up. You know, from your party.”

“My party? You were right there too,” replied Ryan.

“You’re not going to do anything, are you?”

“I’ve got a bit of marking to do for the English Department,” said Ryan.

“Have you forgotten I was with you when you handed in the last stuff two days ago? Professor Mackenzie said thanks for the last of these papers. He was bagging you to reconsider grad school?” said Kim.

“Oh.”

“Forget it. After all, this is my place. I pay the rent,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to Club 59 tonight.”

“Not that dark blues place,” said Ryan.

“It’s jazz and I like it.”

“Do I have to come? There’s going to be all that jazz singing. It will sound like you in the shower,” replied Ryan.

“Of course not. I will go alone,” she replied.

“I got the cheque from the department yesterday. I’ll prove I’m a good man and take you,” he said.

“How nice. Are you going to drink like a toilet and whine all night?” replied Kim.

“You’re making it difficult,” said Ryan.

“I’m going to have a good time. An old friend is going to be there.”

“Winnie the…”

“Shove it, Ryan,” she said.

“I promise to behave.”

As they entered the club the low reverberations of the band were refreshing. Kim recognized the tunes and style of Will’s band. She stayed in the shadows to avoid detection. Kim wanted to just watch and remember what it was like.

“What will it be?” asked the waiter.

“Just a Blue,” said Ryan.

“And for the lady?”

“Double rye on the rocks,” she said.

“Very well.”

“I don’t see how you can drink that stuff, Kim,” said Ryan.

“You’re already starting Ryan,” warned Kim.

“This place is getting to me, if you want to know.”

“I’m sorry I can’t take you to another raunchy bar,” said Kim.

“They call this music?”

“Here you are,” interrupted the waiter. “Will that be all for your tab now?”

“A tab,” said Ryan.

“No, I don’t …” started Kim.

“Yeah, peanuts. I want some,” said Ryan.

“Very well,” the waiter left.

The music fades into silence and Will stepped up to the microphone. The crowd whistled and cheered.

“It’s like a revivalist congregation,” whispered Ryan. Kim tipped back the rye. Her eyes teared with the alcohol.

“Ladies and Gents, the pleasure of the evening is all mine,” the room was filled with cheers. “But I’m going to share that pleasure with another performer. She’s, my Ella. She was the soul of my first tour. She’s the Prairie Scat; Kimmy Kim come on up!”

“Kim, you’re not going …,” said Ryan.

“What reason do I have to stay?” she said as she stood up. Kim walked to the stage. Halfway there the spotlight was on her. She can’t turn back and doesn’t want to anyway.

“All right now let me tell you about Kim. She opened to hot reviews all summer. It was a hot summer.” The sound of cheers rippled across the crowd. “In Jazz City Festival she packed the people in. I never saw that much excitement. But Kim ended all that success for another success, she just graduated a degree for the U. in town.” Shouts were heard across the floor. “Here she is.”

Kim loved the moment; it was as if no time had passed since that summer five years ago. Will’s sweating, the lights, the crowd are electric, and Kim knew she could do it again. She could do it now.

“Well, it’s been a long time,” She said into the microphone. “Let’s do it Willy.”

“Right.” The band began slowly. The long chords of the base filled her ears. Kim responded as if she hadn’t left the stage when they were the centre of the jazz festival. She started high and with the most distant and quiet sound. Her confidence grew. She followed the base. The lights fill her eyes, and the club was only a distant mass of black. The heat of the lights felt good. The chords were only a distant outline of where Kim’s voice went. It was like the top of her head was vibrating up and away. It was the power and energy of the moment that continued forever. This was what she remembered from the peak of the tour. The saxophone filled in and then the piano. She was now feeling that perfect blend of the instrument’s her voice. It empowers her and she let go. The music happened and She at the core of it.

One set stretched into many. The five years that has passed faded. She was that young star that was up and coming. Kim was going to university in the fall. She would take music and just sing her way through the degree. The world was hers. Will was going to take her back to LA next summer.

“Thank you. And that’s the last for tonight. Let’s hear it for Kim!” Called Will into the audience. The Club roared with cheers and clapping. Kim felt excited but exhausted. She loved that feeling. Kim always loved that feeling.

She led Will back to the table where she had sat with Ryan. There was an empty beer mug and peanuts scattered across the table.

“You left your table like this?” said Will.

“No. The guy I’m living with did. You know, Ryan. I met him the first year I was in English. We only moved in together four months ago, at the beginning of the summer,” she said. Kim sat and felt wet from the sweat. It used to mean she had a good night.

“Oh,” replied Will.

“Your tab?” said the waiter.

“I should have known; he never pays anything.”

“I’ll take it,” said Will.

“She was the young guest on stage?”

“Yeah.”

“The house will take it.” The waiter walked away.

“Just like old times Kim,” said Will.

“They were good times. It was like a dream,” said Kim.

“They were good, but not a dream. Tonight, wasn’t a dream.” Said Will.

“No, but they were too good.”

“Sleeping in that van? A good time?” asked Will.

“It didn’t matter if it was in the cold van. I was sleeping with you and that was heaven,” said Kim.

“Oh, Kim.”

“My van. Not only did Ryan take off. But he took my van keys. I left them on the table,” said Kim.

“The guy sounds like a record promoter.”

“About the same, I guess,” she said.

“I’ll give you a ride home.”

“Thank you.”

“The door is standing open. Willy, would you come in and check the place?”

“Sure.”

They both got out of Will’s van. The lights were on, and the door was open, exposing the kitchen. The garbage container had been knocked over.

“It looks bad Kim,” said Will as we entered. All the doors on the cupboards were open. Ryan’s few dishes were gone. About half of Kim’s dishes were laying broken on the counters and floor. The same mess of beer bottles and dishes from yesterday’s party were still around. Among the mess on the table was a neatly folded piece of paper. She picked it up and read it. Will sat down at the table.

“He says he thought it was best that he leaves.”

“That’s obvious,” said Will.

“He took the van and says it will be parked in the back some time tonight.”

“Nice,” said Will. She sat down opposite him.

“Will, do you still like rye?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sure there will be some. Ryan hates it. He treats it like beer and leaves it in the fridge,” Kim got up and went to the fridge. The few beers from the night before were gone. As she expected, the rye was there. Kim took it out and poured two glasses.

“Thanks Kim.”

“Don’t have any ice. It was used up yesterday.”

“She’s cold enough. Some place you have,” said Will.

“I don’t have much furniture, but when I graduated, I wanted a change. I had to distance myself from those days.”

“You’ve changed some.”

“Not really. Remember what I was like after they gave me those nearly failing marks in music?” replied Kim.

“Yeah, I went through it too.”

“I went into English because the essays were easy to write. But I never felt the same about university. It was something we all know we had to do for a job. If you have one or two years of university and no degree, it’s worse than just a high school diploma. That makes you a failure,” said Kim.

“Don’t I know it,” he said.

“You got yours though,” she replied.

“Yeah.”

“The house was something real. I thought I could get Ryan to grow up. He had potential, but I don’t care about him,” said Kim.

“Kim, you don’t…”

“I want to. You’ve been the only one I could ever be completely honest with. People need that you know,” said Kim.

“It’s been years Kim.”

“It’s like on stage tonight. Did it feel like years?” she said.

“No.”

“It was like the jazz festivals?”

“I was back there too. It was just you and me. The energy, that excitement. Do you remember what you promised?” asked Kim.

“Kim, I can’t do it now.”

“Go to LA? Why not?”

“I don’t know. It’s been so long. I went once and that was great, but now it feels so far away,” he said.

“I’ve always dreamed about that. Thinking, what if?”

“That will always kill a singer. Thinking ‘what if?’ You got to do it for now, for the moment,” said Will.

“Together, we could,” she said.

“You want to go to the Club tomorrow again?”

“Yes.”

“I knew you would say that,” he said.

“Will, I’m going to be alone tonight.”

“Kim, you don’t have to be.”

“For old time’s sake, Willy.”

“Sure.”

Will’s chest felt good against her breasts. Kim missed his soft chest and belly. Ryan didn’t have hair on his chest. Most of the time it didn’t matter. He would arch back groaning. She found Will excited her. She felt better — warm and more secure than she ever did with Ryan. Panting she lay by Will. He didn’t quickly pull away. He lets her hold him, enjoy him, feel him.

“I wish it could be the same as it had been on the tour,” he said.

“Oh?” she whispered.

“I don’t think it can. Too much has happened,” Kim said.

“Kim, it was like the tour tonight.”

“We did go to a hotel or our van to sleep.”

“That’s not much proof Kim.”

“No, I guess it isn’t,” she said.

“We can be the same you know.”

“I don’t know. I can’t afford to get my hopes up. I don’t want to get such high expectations, that all there is just disappointment.”

“Kim, going back to singing isn’t exactly the greatest thing there ever was. Always trying to get enough money to keep moving. We were always working small clubs and bars.”

“I know, but I was thinking about being happy, being excited and performing,” she said.

“You’ll never know until you throw yourself into it, Kim.”

“Sounds like the old Will.”

“And I was right,” he replied.

“Yeah. I was ready then to take that plunge. Living in that small town with my parents screaming about how I better not even consider college. No need for that education.”

“You already had applied at the university,” he said.

“Yeah. I would swear that Mom and Dad had already arranged a marriage for me with Barry by then too,” she said.

“Barry, oh yeah, the farm boy.”

“Yeah.”

“You sure were in a hurry to get out of there. I can’t blame you,” Will said.

“Never went back.”

“Can’t see how you could,” said Will.

“Thanks to you.”

The loud honking of the van broke the quiet of the room. There’s four, five, she stopped counting the honks. Kim hoped Ryan continued until someone came out of their house and beat him.

“Ryan, I suppose…” said Will.

“Yeah. I’m not surprised. He does have times when he’s the biggest ass I ever knew.”

They lay together in the dark. The honking ended but the neighbourhood dogs continued loudly. Kim knew he didn’t have the guts to come in. Ryan’s finale was fitting. She was glad it was over. The number of dogs barking reduced until it was silent again.

“Why can’t you make the plunge Kim?”

“What?”

“Why can’t you just say to hell with it again and go on the road?” asked Will.

“I’m not after glamour,” she replied.

“You never were. We never believed we would get the record contracts and the big engagements. We never promised that to each other. It was a good time. I’m maybe closer to that goal with the CDs I have, but I wouldn’t promise anything.”

“I think I want to have some time to think. I have a permanent TV job. I am living in a house …”

“You’re new at the station. No seniority. They’ll put you out without a thought. This house is a glorified apartment. You’re not going to own it. You don’t have a mortgage,” said Will.

“I know.”

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“Will, I want to. You know that. You probably knew that tonight.”

“You’re not listening to yourself. Your scared to take a chance, but you’re taking as big a gamble here as with me on the road,” said Will.

“I don’t know…”

“What’s really keeping you here?” he asked.

“I guess there’s nothing.”

“But there’s nothing pushing you away like the last time,” he continued.

“No.”

“You’re sliding into a rut.”

“Maybe,” she said. The small house, garden, and dead-end job was what she was leaving five years ago. It was here in a city, but what she would have ended up with at home. Kim even wanted Ryan to be her husband. She remembered what she really wanted: She wanted to be alive with the energy of performing and creating something new every day. Kim let the singer in her fade to silence. Today she found that part of herself.

“Kim our band has an engagement in Edmonton then Vancouver, then —”
“LA?”

“Maybe. I’m not promising you anything. I am just telling you what we have now,” said Will.

“I want to be with you. I missed you, Will. I never stopped missing you,” she said.

“Sure.”

“I’ll go Will.” She felt like she felt at the beginning of that summer over five years ago. Kim was going to plunge in. She was not going to listen to the doubts that have haunted her. Kim was going to be with Will. She knew that was right.